How does a person who is no longer here stir the heart of one in the present? It was no present. To receive that call. Busy about my day. To be interrupted. Driving in the car and receiving that kind of news.
The voice on the other end said, "Michael just died in a car wreck."
"What do you mean? Michael who?"
I knew who. I knew what he said. The mind rebels. The mind softens the heart. The heart can't take it so the mind compensates in false ignorance.
"He's gone? He's dead?"
Can't they just take him to the hospital and fix him like all the other times? All the other people? He has to be on his way to the hospital to get fixed. They can fix him.
Friend tells me, "He's at the hospital. We are headed there now to be with Billie."
The mind is comforting the heart that the hospital is a good place to be after a car wreck. But not in that room. Michael don't go in that room. You need to be hooked up. You need doctors and nurses helping you. Don't go to that room. People are crying there. They leave there and they are never the same.
"Ok, I am on my way."
I am sorry Jessica but I am about to interrupt your life forever. We just saw Michael a few weeks ago and laughed with him. Once you answer that phone Jessica you will know that a part of me will never be there again to laugh with him. Something will be missing forever.
"Jessica, Michael was in a car wreck and he's gone J, he is gone."
He is not coming back? Surely you are just interested in telling this bad news because you are a gossip and you can call a lot people before they hear of the news. You can call people and shock them with this news.
No. He is not coming back. This is not good news. Confusion. The mind is trying to protect my heart. I want to cry. I am driving. I don't know yet how I feel about what I have heard. You cannot prep yourself on how to react to death.
Was he having a good day? What was he doing?
Jessica is crying.
"Meet me there."
What do I have to offer. There will be crying. You have to be strong. I don't want to go. I want to be alone. I need to think what the next step is. I need to think about what I am going to say. I need to think. My heart wants to feel. My heart wants to break.
You don't remember? Michael seriously. You don't remember what you used to do to that lamp in Chris's room? You always were pushing the limit to get a laugh or to make a point. What point did you make Michael? You always made your point to me. You could always make me laugh.
Why did this happen today? Why did this happen? What happened?
I want to see you. You are in
that room though. They won't let anyone but family go in. We lived together for three years in a small dorm setting. You ought to be considered family. I saw more of you than family ever did. You always made dorm life hilarious. I knew things about you family didn't. But you had no say this time. You couldn't tell them that I was
that friend of yours and that I just needed a second to see you like you left this place. To see you before they dressed you up.
They were going to dress you Michael. Dress you in something you probably would not have chosen yourself. You would never dress again. That morning you had no idea that this was the last time you would tie those shoes and wear that outfit. Shake that persons hand. Look into your rear view mirror.
What an impact you had on me. What impact did I have on you? I was older. You actually did look up to me. At least I thought you did. Don't tell me if you didn't. You actually did listen to some of what I had to say to you. I loved you man. I did. Like a brother. But not enough.
My heart breaks and my mind doesn't give me any peace either when I think of my impact on you. I wanted to be positive but I think I brought confusion. I think I may have led you down different thoughts that were not helpful. I wish you could tell me if they were helpful.
You remember those nights? Of sitting in my dorm room?
The tears are here now. The throat tightens up. My body reacts to what I know about you, what I remember. You continue in my thoughts. In my mind and in my heart.
I actually wish you could see where I was in life now. My kids would love you. Especially that trick with that cat at the Godbold's house. Pushing the envelope is always good fun and you were good at it. You were Ace.
Playing volleyball at youth camp. You were a pimp and the chicks all liked you. So we called you Ace. But you were young so they liked you but didn't want go out with you really. They thought you were cute. Thats why they called you Ace. So long ago. All ended now. Wish I could remember more. Why didn't I?
So much has changed Mike. I think about your body sometimes. In that casket. I don't like to but I think about you.
You sat at my table. I am looking at it now. You sat there. But now there are empty chairs.
That last meeting brother. We shook hands exchanged important words to one another. We had come to different points in our life. That would be the last shake. You were starting your life with your wife. Only to end that life a few weeks later.
Now you are gone. Your body. I saw you at the funeral. I spoke there about you. I didn't do a good job. How could I? You should have been there. I talked about your spirit and the Spirit of God.
I still have your number in my phone. Wish I could call you.
How does a person who is no longer here stir the heart of someone in the present? Through love. Through remembering. Remember, love lasts forever.
Where are you Mike? Miss you man.
(My very second post on this blog was about Micheal - September 16, 2006. And, I posted again about Micheal a year after his death on September 8, 2007.)
.jpg)
